I found The Cure

November 18 2006

I've developed an indescribable fear of being alone. Actually it has become so serious that I plead my little brother to sleep on the couch every night. Unfortunately it means that I have to stand the sounds from him watching Cartoon Network until late at night, but I'd rather that than having the darkness consuming me. I wasn't afraid of the dark earlier. Now I want people around me.

My big brother moved back to Soenderborg today. Though it's only an hour and a half away, it feels like he has moved out of this town for good. He was sick and tired of living here, I know he was. I helped him pack yesterday. He only needed some clothes, play station and all of his music for the first couple of weeks until he finds a place to live. Until then he'll be sleeping at a friend's and perhaps he'll be moving out in our summer cottage too for some weeks. It's kind of sad that he has left, but on the other hand he needed to. I know him enough to say that he has been frustrated with his life the last six months - he's always been so restless.

restless restless
windswept road
take me some place
unfold

Music: Lullaby by The Cure, Hurt by Christina Aguilera, Goodnight Moon (Kill Bill Vol. 2 Soundtrack)

//beautiful freak

25th Hour

November 10 2006

It's Liv's birthday today. Congratulations. It's also Friday and I can look forward to a calm weekend. I haven't had many weekends with both Friday and Saturday night off. What a relief finally being able to relax in front of the computer, take a long stroll with my dog, watch 'Matador' and...oh yes...help my mom painting the livingroom - almost forgot that.

I wonder if any of you are familiar with the feeling of never getting things done? The constant feeling of guilt that is sneaking up on you when you need it the least. It's like a nightmare you cannot wake up from. Is this what they call stress? "The new national illness - stress". We hear it everywhere in the media lately. Hell, no wonder we're all suffering from it in today's society. We're supposed to be able to handle everything at anytime. We're meant to have a job where we're able to develop and realize ourself and it has to be a well-paid one because we have to afford the new digital flatscreen tv that we couldn't help buying after seeing that the neighbour had one. With such an incidence, I've most certainly become a victim, which would explain my bad mood lately. It's dangerous. It destroys any creative thinking.

I don't remember what the purpose with this post was...Stress?...something clever I'm sure... Oh great, and now I begin nosebleeding. Stress?

25th Hour...25th Hour... If you ever get the change to see Spike Lee's 25th Hour, do yourself a favour and take a look at it. It's a brilliant piece of film...if you can say that. A piece of film? Ehh...

Music: I Like Birds and Mr. E's Beautiful Blues by Eels, Race You by Figurines

//beautiful freak

What does the future bring...?

October 27 2006

...I have absolutely no idea. Visiting the university last week has not done me anything good. Actually I am even more confused and unsure of myself and my abilities and what I want. I attended a three days course in political science and one moment I would think "this study is just it!", the next I would think "oh, no, you're not good enough" and the third moment I would try to convince myself that political science did not really interest me, "perhaps, I should study literary science in stead; that is afterall what interest me the most!". But then again..."job possibilities are the best when having studied political science". GAHH! It's driving me mad!

I think I have finally reached the conclusion that I need a year of before I decide on my future. I have been thinking about spending some time as an au pair in Great Britain. My good friend is in Ireland now (somewhere near Dublin), perhaps she could recommend me to someone. I'll ask her...

I never thought it would be this difficult growing up. I don't mean to whine, but it's hard for me. It really is. At many points I don't seem to develop - not in school, not artistically, nor in any other way. I just stay the same which means that I have to run faster and faster in order to keep up with everything and everyone around me. Perhaps I simply try too much? This must be how it feels for a writer to have a writer's block; staying on one spot and not being able to move! It's so frustrating. Perhaps I should give up, lose the will to live just as the main character in Paul Auster's "Moon Palace". He simply gives up on everything and lets himself...be. Total and complete passivity.

Music: Mozart's 40th Symphony in G-mol, Karma Police by Radiohead, Avalon by Sigur Rós

//beautiful freak